"But I Thought You Said You Were Gonna..." — Defining Integrity

In March 2020, I shared that I was starting a podcast, Dreamed It Then Real Lifed It. Today, with September 2021 just around the corner, I have yet to launch it.

In October 2018, I shared that the girls and I were going to spend a year or two on a cross country road trip. Nearly three years later and we haven’t yet headed out on that adventure.

In summer of 2018, I attended the National Stationary Show and shared a preview of designs for a line of heart-based stationary, cards, accessories and apparel. Summer of 2021 is nearing an end, and I haven’t yet manufactured any of it.

If all you knew were these 3 facts, you may begin to question my integrity in terms of trust, honesty, and reliance.

Here’s the thing though, there is always so much more going on behind the scenes than we know. Always. 

For starters, going back a fews years, I had not fully realized what I now do: Sometimes it’s best not to make any announcements and simply do the work, only to present the finished product of your vision. You live and you learn. 

When I first previewed designs from my stationary + gift line for Whatchawant, I was ready to roll! I had designed and planned every detail from product to packaging, researched manufacturers and fulfillment centers, found sales reps and was ready to move forward with a turn key package. Then something happened.

The spring before, I had transitioned to plant based living, and right about the time I was returning from NSS in NYC, another major shift in consciousness happened. I became much more aware of my environmental footprint. We (the girls and I) decided to make the conscious choice to begin the process of earth-grading our lives. This looked like saying goodbye to single use plastics, like water bottles, togo cups and shopping bags, to name a few of the first to go. 

We slowly, but surely, began to transition our entire lives to more eco-friendly and sustainable products. Glass jars now made their way into the kitchen, and I began shopping from the bulk aisle to refill them. We were intentionally making choices to minimize the amount of food we were buying in plastic containers. We replaced bathroom essentials, like cotton balls, pads and swabs, with reusable organic cotton pads and metal tools. We keep reusable togo containers, silverware, straws and canvas shopping totes in the vehicle. 

We changed the way we shopped for everything, including toys, equipment, supplies, household items, furniture, wearables, you name it. I distinctly remember what I heard that planted the seed for this shift: We did not inherit this Earth from our ancestors; we are borrowing it from our children. I got chills and tears all over again as I wrote that. It’s amazing how one thought can change your entire perspective. 

And as all these changes were happening and I was aligning more and more with my Higher, most Authentic Self, I realized something major: I cannot build a company that is not rooted in the same eco-conscious ways. 

I went back to the drawing board. I began to reimagine everything in terms of design and production. The fabrics, paper choices, ink choices, printing methods, packaging…it all mattered. And this new company I was building was unlike any I had built before, because this time, I was building it from an aligned place. And I knew that the only way for me to achieve true joy and fulfillment with this business was to make 100% certain it was aligned with who I was at my core and the direction I visualized my life heading. 

This meant lots more research. Like, a lot more. And keep in mind, for very specific reasons, I made the choice to do this alone. No team, yet. No one helping me out, yet. Just a girl and her visions and the resilience to see it through to the end, no matter how long it takes.

And the time was well spent. I eventually discovered tree-free papers made from hemp, recycled cotton and denim, and straw, perfect for the job. I learned more about alternative printing options, including using soy and vegetable based inks for paper, and choosing water-based inks over plastisol for textiles. I spent so much time and energy researching fabrics, textiles, and learning and educating myself on practices in the textile and clothing manufacturing processes. I learned about Fashion Revolution and realized I had the power to make choices with my business that would have a far greater impact than I once knew. 

The search for companies I could align myself with was very intentional and often felt overwhelming. The side of entrepreneurship that doesn’t get talked about as frequently. But I understood the reason for my research. I understood how incredible it would feel when I created this side of the company with my highest standards and ideals at the forefront. Quality in every detail. Attention to everything.

Even the hangtags were reimagined to now include hemp cord attached with compostable safety pin over the original plastic option. But here’s the thing, I realized I had the choice. I could go for the less pricey and easier to acquire options to reduce the cost of manufacturing, but I would end up with a line of products that I wasn’t completely proud of and that wasn’t aligned with my soul. And when I was thinking in terms of the global platform in which I intended to scale the company, I saw that each of these tiny decisions, when multiplied, would make a significant impact. 

Besides, I remembered something else: Be the change you wish to see in the world. I thought of my children and the kind of example I wanted to set for them. I knew that if I raised them to keep our planet and its health and wellbeing at heart, and to be mindful of their choices, they would carry that with them throughout their entire lives. The things I was deciding now would have a ripple effect that could potentially go so much farther than my mind could imagine. 

I had already publicly announced I was coming out with this line, so ego could have pushed me to go ahead with what I had, saying it was good enough, and at least people would think I was doing what I said I would do, when I said I was going to do it. But doing so wouldn’t accurately represent who I now am and what I stand for—my values, principles, ethics and the respect I have for our planet. Wait, aren’t those also qualities of integrity? And besides, isn’t that more important than worrying about what other people, who don’t know the whole story, think anyway? Yes, or yes?

Keep in mind, the whole “announcing to the world” my plans—about the stationary, the cross country road trip, the podcast—actually equates to sharing posts on my public Instagram accounts, which, between the 4 of them, totals less than 2000 people. 

But when you are a person of your word and integrity is very important to you, all it takes it telling ONE person you’re going to do something for the desire to keep your word to be there. Actually, integrity for me looks like the desire to be honest with myself, even if no one else knows of a promise I’ve made.

Meanwhile, as I’m making plans to launch a complete soul-centered retail line, something else was happening. I was discovering a brand new way of life for myself and my girls, and it looked nothing like our past. As you may know, late summer of 2016, I began a very intentional Journey of Self, which resulted in a total paradigm shift on every level. And I realized a dream buried deep within my heart: the desire to be a full-time family and explore the world with my children.

To date, it was only a dream. Nevertheless, the voice inside me calling to make it a reality grew louder and louder. A seed was planted. The idea was to become full-time travelers, to learn and grow and explore as we experienced a wide variety of terrains, agriculture, culture, and life. This idea was SO incredibly different than anything I had ever known or was raised to believe was even a possibility. Yet, I knew it was.

To start, I would have to mention this idea to the girls’ dad, to make sure it was something he would stand behind. This would require making massive changes to the way we lived, but more in line with how it affected him, it would include the girls leaving public schools to be schooled from home/on the road, and it would look like their schedule of spending every other week at his house getting switched up for a while. 

We had the important talks, and he understood that I would happily be taking on the responsibility of schooling the girls. He realized the opportunity for them to world school (learn first hand on the road, experiencing things in real time instead of only reading about it in books), and he knew we would still arrange our traveling schedule to optimize time they would get to spend with him. He even suggested the idea that if we let him know where we would be, sometimes he could meet us somewhere and vacation there with the girls, giving me a little space for some alone time. It felt great knowing that, with his support of the vision, this dream was indeed possible. It feels great knowing that intentionally cultivating this kind of loving and open minded relationship with my ex-husband opens the door for limitless possibilities for our children. Isn’t that integrity?

So I got to work figuring out what needed to happen to make it happen. The original idea was to renovate an old school bus into a tiny home, a Skoolie as they’re called. This is actually the announcement I originally made, that the girls and I would be traveling for a few years in a Skoolie. What some people, like close friends, may know, but I didn’t announce, is that my dad is a master builder, and he’s been building hot rods from the ground up since before I was born, not to mention the buildings, homes, treehouses, and everything in between he designs and builds. And I grew up with an interest and passion for it all, spending most my life learning beside him.

I’ve watched him win national competitions and awards and be featured in national publications for his work. I’ve lived in homes he has built, ridden in cars he has built, and now, with his help, I was ready to do both: live and ride in a home he would help me create. 

I began to research and learn everything I could about Skoolies and tiny living. Meanwhile, the girls and I attended the Tiny Living festival in ATX to really familiarize ourselves with the ins and outs, meet people already on this journey, learn everything we could, find manufacturers and suppliers to use on our build out. I began working on the floorpan for our bus, all 240 square feet of it, and I realized that in order for us to make this happen, we had to learn to become more with (even) less.

This brings me to circle back around to another important part of my Journey of Self: the part where I learned to detach from material possessions. Prior to the paradigm shift, I lived in a huge house, full of stuff, overflowing with clothes and shoes, with new cars in the driveway every two years and all the latest and greatest electronics. My happiness at the time was very conditional, and I was in the habit of basing my success of societal ideas of status markers. I was the opposite of a conscious consumer. 

After the divorce, when the girls and I moved into an apartment less than 1/5 the size of our previous home, only to lose the majority of our remaining material possessions in the historic Louisiana flooding, which synchronistically hit one year to the date that we moved, our journey to embracing our style of minimalism began.

While minimalism looks different for everyone, for us it looks like investing in quality pieces that will last, being discerning as to what you bring into your life, surrounding yourself only with things you LOVE, choosing quality over quantity, enjoying luxury living, embracing tidiness and making sure everything has a home and a place, and the willingness to let go of anything that no longer sparks joy with gratitude and appreciation (thank you, Marie Kondo, for that lesson!). We don’t live in an empty home of white walls with no furniture! It’s actually quite the opposite. Our small home is full of precious treasures and art that tell a story and evoke a vibe. It’s also free of a “junk drawer”, which I lived most of my life believing was something everyone had.

So, even though we had already downsized drastically, life on a bus would mean learning how to live and be happy with even less than that…like, way less.

We began to make choices that aligned with how we desired to live. When considering purchases, we were mindful of how this would work on the bus. And material things weren’t the only thing to consider. Three people + fur baby living together on the road, day after day, would require a certain level of peace of mind that I had to be sure I was up for.

A mother of two young children, only recently (a few years) transitioning from a life where there was stress and anxiety and chaos and raising of voices, I had to be absolutely certain that I was prepared for all this would require from me. That I could calmly, patiently, lovingly lead my girls (the humans and the furry one) on travels, and teach them and nurture them and feed them and love them in all the ways they deserve and need to be treated. Thank you, yoga, meditation and breath work.

I remember only a handful of years earlier, owning a business and working from home, but still sending my girls to daycare because I was ‘too busy’ to be able to do both. That old and outdated paradigm wouldn’t work for what I had planned now. This future reality I was creating looked nothing like our past, and I knew I could manifest it as long as I was willing to align and do the necessary work.

That work looked like prepping ourselves to spend our days together. At first, the girls remained in public school while I began to restructure my company to become automated and scalable. This, in and of itself, was a huge undertaking. It looked like hiring coaches, mentors, guides, classes, training, and relentless commitment to the end goal. But I knew that in order for me to live the life I knew was possible—complete time and economic freedom to be in control of my life and spend quality time bringing up my girls—I had to do it. I had to invest in myself, first. 

It also looked like addressing what was going on at home with emotional intelligence. I knew that we would all benefit from spending more time focusing on this. Once again, I found an expert in this field and invested in her program to help shift our perspective around what it means as a family for us being emotionally healthy and clear and conscious communicators. Bringing my girls up in a home without yelling, punishment, time outs, shame, or guilt was and is extremely important. And I realized that the idea of: 1. Having the girls home all the time, 2. Being the one responsible for their educations, 3. Living in under 250 sq ft, 4. Being on the road full time and the only one driving, and all the while 5. Running multiple businesses, was going to require an incredible amount of planning and belief in myself. Both of which I was more than capable of and willing to do. 

It took nearly 2 years from when this dream was first born before I felt confident with where I was with my business and my journey that I knew I could begin our unschooling adventure and would have the time, energy, and patience to be fully present and engaged with the girls, which was a total must. Did you hear me? This didn’t happen overnight, friends! Like most things worthwhile, it required passion, consistency, and extreme commitment to the end goal. It required me showing up, day after day, putting in the work that no one saw. It looked like having to smile when people asked, “ Are y’all still going on the bus?”, months, even years, after we first made the decision and told others. Because I knew that realizing a dream delayed is not a dream denied, and even though things were moving at turtle pace, I knew everything that had to go into it behind the scenes. I trusted and believed that everything was happening as it should, when it should. And I also knew, it was 100% worth it. 

Around the same time as the decision to world school and travel with the girls, I was given the dream to begin a podcast. Dreamed It Then Real Lifed It. The name really sums it up, don’t you think? I wanted to platform to share everything I have learned on this incredible Journey of Self. I wanted a place to share my story, my experiences and my perspective in a way that could encourage, inspire and motivate others to step into their own power as a conscious creator of their reality and manifest their dreams, just as I had learned to do.

Once again, I went to my ex-husband. Why? Because this podcast would require me to share my story, and since I had spent nearly half my life with him, starting many businesses together (where I learned more of what not to do than what to do), plus navigating through our relationship and beyond, to reach a place where we cultivated a healthy relationship after divorce, this meant that many of my stories would include him. And I wanted to know that I had his support. Wait, isn’t this integrity?

And once again, after feeling peace with my decision to get his blessing, I began the behind the scenes work to make it happen. I found a top podcaster and teacher, whom I love, and invested in myself again by taking their course on launching a podcast. I learned what I needed to learn, including not to announce things before they were actually ready to go, and with a few episodes already recorded, I decided to officially announce the podcast on my Instagram. I even included a few clips from some of the episodes. This was it. It was really happening. 

And then the world closed down. 

Suddenly, what seemed like a great time to begin something new didn’t seem like a great time to begin something new anymore. The entire mood of the world had changed. The consciousness had shifted. This was unlike anything we had ever experienced before, and I acknowledged that I needed time to process my feelings, emotions and mindset moving forward.

So I made a choice. I chose to step back from social media altogether to give myself the space to simply be.

This wasn’t my first time to do so. Soon after announcing in October 2018 our world-school-cross-country-road-trip plans, I took a break for 14 months. I realized it was a huge decision that I wanted to devote all my attention to because I know that energy flows where attention goes. Besides, after walking away in December 2017 from the comfort and security of the business I had built that monopolized all my time to pursue my new dream (the one I’m living now), I was not using social media of any kind to run my business. 

I had started my Instagram accounts as personal diaries, really. Journals documenting my experiences, my wins and losses, my discoveries, my perspective, my wisdom and knowledge. There was never a call to action, never a product or service for sale. I was sharing my heart and soul on these accounts, and I was sharing it freely to anyone interested in receiving it. There is life-changing insight poured into them, yet it was not done in a way that I was trying to profit from financially. I knew I was still learning and figuring things out, and even though I knew the direction I was headed in life and with my business, I wasn’t ready to present it online…yet.

So it was no problem for me to “disappear” for 14 months while I got my life on track for what I desired. And again, when the world closed down in the weeks following my announcement for the new podcast, I felt the call to step away again in order to reconnect with Self and gain clarity on my soul mission and life purpose. Where did I stand? Was now the time to deliver my message, or was it best to wait?

I meditated, a lot. And I concluded to trust the promptings and give myself the time and space to integrate. Everything was happening for a reason, and I knew I was being guided and supported in this decision. I was dedicated to seeing this dream through to fruition and respected the fact that now may not be the ideal time to begin this venture. Trust, support, respect…aren’t these examples of integrity?

So not only did I push pause on launching the podcast, but I took another 9 months off social media. It was glorious. That meant 23 of 27 months, I was quietly and happily living my life offline, creating my dream life, aligning towards my ideal. Meanwhile, the girls and I began our unschooling journey. And when I share this with friends and strangers alike who have not chosen this path, I get the same response almost every single time: I could never; I don’t have the patience; We would kill each other; None of us would be happy if we tried that.

To that I say this: I get it! If you would have told me 6 years ago that this would be my life because I CHOSE it, I would not have believed you! I saw other people doing it and didn’t want it for myself, mainly because I didn’t think it was possible for me. And at the time, it wasn’t; it wouldn’t have gone well. Besides, my company wasn’t in a place where it would have been a possibility.

But I had a vision, and I held that vision, and I knew that vision was possible. I realized that in order for the vision to manifest, I would have to align and do the work. And most importantly, I knew I was worthy and deserving of the vision becoming my reality. 

So where does that leave me today? Exactly where I am meant to be (insert heart eye emoji).

I returned online on January 1, 2021, to one of my accounts only. Still no mention of business, still no products and services for sale. Yes, I have other means of income away from Instagram, of course, but I made the decision that I would wait to share my next steps with my Instagram family. And for 8.5 months, I continued to show up regularly on this account, sharing positivity and tips and tools for living a more intentional and conscious life.

It’s also important to note that while I’ve taken a go-with-the-flow and trust-the-timing-and-the-beautiful-unfolding-of-your-life mindset for the things I'm talking about in this article, when it comes to aspects of my business that are time sensitive and require work be done in a specified period or by a specified date, I always deliver on time. This is completely in line with being a person of integrity. For the 8 years I was a professional hand lettering artist, I would go over and beyond to ensure my work arrived on time. But this new dream, this new company, this new vision…it left space for being a more intuitive, divinely guided soul.

And finally, on August 12, which marked a special date for me, I revealed my new website, blog and store and the first glimpses into some of the things I’ve been working on behind the scenes. Me, dog mom, with no team/interns, unschooling two littles, encouraging and guiding their growth as young entrepreneurs, showing up authentically and unapologetically, day after day. And with that, I returned to posting to my other accounts on the ‘Gram, as well, including Dreamed It Then Real Lifed It. 

I created a life that holds space for me to follow the promptings of my soul and have faith in the divine. I trust the timing and infinite intelligence of the universe, and I don’t pretend that I know better than the path of least resistance that is always laid out before me. I have chosen to accept my power as a conscious creator and Creative Director of my life, and I get chills thinking about how lucky I am to be in a position where I can share this knowledge and wisdom with you in a way that will help you to actualize your wildest dreams, too. 

I enjoy a restful night’s sleep because I know my heart is pure, my intentions are good, and I am a person of integrity. Integrity doesn’t always look like doing something on society’s timeline, especially if doing so will negatively impact your mental or emotional health. Sometimes integrity looks like taking as much time as you need to ensure the most important things in your life—like the relationship you have with yourself, the ones you have with others, the one you have with nature and the one you have with Source—are being nurtured and tended. Everything else will fall into place exactly as it should.

And that date, August 12: the day of the divorce, the day of the flood, and now, the day my company was reestablished. Three August 12ths, 6 years apart, all marking the beginning of a new life. Something beautiful to be celebrated.