Failed Marriage or Successful Divorce: Depends On How You Look at It

There are a few years of my life when I lived in so much fear that I remained in a relationship neither of us felt happy or fulfilled in.

This fear—the fear of what others would think/say, the fear of 'failure' (that we "couldn't make it work"), the fear of not seeing my girls every day, the fear of what was involved in the legalities (home, children, businesses, taxes, etc), the fear of starting over, the fear of the change, the fear of the unknown, the fear of the stigma of Divorce, the fear of the children growing up in a "broken home"—kept me reduced to a fraction of the human I was meant to be, living a watered down version of a life I thought others wanted me to live.

I remember frequently (possibly daily) replaying the same thought over and over in my mind: There must be more to life than this. Yet, I remained.

Having not yet been introduced to the concept of conscious relationships, divine masculine and divine feminine energies, shadow work, inner child reparenting, conscious creation, self-acceptance, self-love, meditation, yoga, breath work, and doing the inner work, I basically lived in my feelings. I people pleased. I went through the motions. I decided that whatever this was, it was going to have to be good enough. Love it or not, I had accepted this as my reality.

At the time, I was unknowingly operating from wounded masculine and feminine energies, shadows, and ego. I defended, projected, over-shared (told close friends/family details of my life), took everything personally, felt stressed and anxious, buried myself in my work, cried every day, and felt so out of control. Out of control of my emotions, my circumstances, my situation, and my life. 

Not to mention all the ways my health was impacted. My mental health was at a low, which, along with everything going on in my emotional and energetic bodies, was constantly manifesting itself in my physical body as pain, injury, illness and dis-ease. Skin conditions, gut health problems, issues with my lymphatic and nervous systems, infections, headaches, chronic/crippling back and nerve problems, anxiety, depression, you name it. It was always something.

So how did I get to that point? It didn't happen overnight, friends. Somewhere over the course of being in a 15 year relationship (that wasn't grounded in a mutual choice to empower each other to do the inner work), becoming a business owner, wife, homeowner, and mother, I found myself living a life I had created by default as a result of limiting beliefs, toxic habits and patterns, generational cycles, programmed paradigms, and simply not knowing what I didn't know.

But I ultimately reached a point where I made the choice that it's not what I wanted for myself anymore. And for the first time, the fear of staying the same was greater than the fear of change.

The first 6-9 months were definitely hard, especially because I was only just beginning my intentional Journey of Self, which eventually led me to discover all those things I mentioned earlier: conscious relationships, divine masculine and divine feminine energies, shadow work, inner child reparenting, conscious creation, self-acceptance, self-love, meditation, yoga, breath work, and doing the inner work. So in the beginning, I was still running off old, outdated and default programming that was not positively serving me. 

Before we go any further, let’s backtrack a little.

To be clear, my ex-husband wasn’t the cause for all the things going on in my life. In fact, just the other day, he sent me a quote that said: “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” And our relationship is a perfect example of that.

There was a time when we were best friends, We enjoyed each other’s company. We did everything together. We were inseparable. And although we didn’t realize it at the time, we each had so much to learn, so much to experience, so many repressed feelings and emotions, so much buried trauma, so much wounded masculine and feminine energy (and remember, regardless of your gender, you have both energies within you).

There’s no doubt that we were supposed to be together, we have our daughters as proof of that. Sometimes, people aren’t meant to be together forever though. And that’s what happened for us.

As we grew older together and took on more responsibilities, it felt like there was more pressure to live up to all these ideals about what success looked like. But who’s ideals were they? Having not done the inner work (individually or together), and not possessing the coping or communication skills necessary for a conscious relationship, we began to drift apart. 

We were living such conditional lives. Meaning, our happiness was directly attached to a bag full of conditions. “We’ll be happy when…” the business takes off, we go on vacation, the house is paid off, my back stops hurting, he starts doing that, she stops doing this, the list goes on. We had so many conditions that had to be met in order for us to feel happy. And similarly, we were now experiencing a conditional love. “I love him/her, as long as he/she is saying/doing/acting this certain way,” or more commonly, “I love him/her, as long as he/she isn’t saying/doing/acting this certain way.”

What was once a relationship that thrived with us spending so much time together turned into two people who became more like ships crossing in the night. A few years before the divorce, he even described our relationship to people as us being roommates, with me upstairs and him downstairs, just staying together for the girls. I might not have wanted to admit it at the time, but he wasn’t wrong.

Here’s the thing, I was really at the height of my people pleasing ways around this time of my journey. I was incredibly concerned with what others thought. I was determined to portray a happy marriage and life. Smoke and mirrors. 

He and I had only really known one way of life: hustle and grind. And looking back, I see how forced our life was in so many ways. We lacked flow, we lacked alignment, we lacked ease. Life felt hard on lots of levels, like a struggle. Not having yet learned about the universal laws, we were creating by default and oftentimes from a place of lack.

Around the time the girls came into the picture is when our perspectives really began to shift in different directions. The more time I spent upstairs, buried in my work, I began my own personal journey of self education. I knew there had to be another way, and I was determined to discover it. The thing is, this wasn’t something we did together. And the more time I spent investing in personal development, which he was always supportive of, the more it shined the light of my consciousness on the fact that this was not a journey we were walking side-by-side. 

So fast forward to the divorce. We finally did the thing I was so afraid of doing. And guess what, we both survived. It wasn’t the end-all, be-all I made it out to be in my head for years. And because we did make the mutual decision to make it a child-centered divorce, we were able to put the girls’ best interest above our own egos/pride/disagreements, and make choices that were in alignment for them.

This looked like speaking kindly towards and about your ex. Your children are half you and half them, so if they heard me say anything negative about their dad, how would that make them feel about themselves, given that they’re a part of him? Besides, there was a point in my life when being with him was what I wanted, what I dreamed about. And because we weren’t talking poorly of one another, we weren’t causing them to feel stress or anxiety of being in the middle of two opposing sides. 

Although I chose the path of celibacy and the single life to focus my energy on healing and doing the inner work, I knew it was important for me to open my heart anyone my ex may choose to be with, especially if they would also be a part of the girls’ life. Treat others the way you want to be treated. I knew I wanted to treat the woman in his life with the same respect and appreciation that I would want him to treat the man in mine, when that day came. And just because we weren’t in a happy relationship in the end, didn't mean he didn’t deserve to be in one now.

We created open lines of communication, coordinating schedules, calling and texting, making sure the girls always got to where they needed to be. We sat by each other at school events, talked at birthday parties, and made sure they always knew we were still friends.

I maintained a relationship with his family, because after 15 years, they’re still a part of mine, and they’re definitely still a part of the girls’. Just last year, the girls and I drove up and spent a week with my mother-in-law, visiting and spending time with his extended family. I’m grateful for the gift of a relationship like this, and the girls notice and appreciated it as well.

A few years ago, when the girls went out of town with their dad to visit his family for Thanksgiving, his fiancé stayed behind because of arrangements with her ex and their daughter. She knew I’d be in town, so she invited me to their house to enjoy Thanksgiving with her extended family. And of course, I went, and it was lovely!

Her daughter comes with the girls and I to parties, parades, and events. She may not be my daughter, but she’s my daughters’ sister, so she’s family and always welcome. They say all the time that they’re happy their dad and I got divorced because if not, they wouldn’t know their bonus mom and two sisters! They also realize that their dad and I are so different, with different interests and personalities, so they see how our lifestyles aren’t compatible. In the end, they honestly feel like they’ve got the best of both worlds!

And when I picked up my iPad one day and discovered a drawing my 6 year old drew of me, their dad, her and her sister, all together as a happy family, I realized something—I didn’t have a failed marriage, I had a successful divorce. Our home wasn't “broken”. No, no, no. We were doing something right. The girls were thriving, and they knew love. 

I knew this kind of life-after-divorce was possible; I believed it. And I aligned myself in order to manifest it as my reality. 

I knew I desired to have a completely drama-free relationship with my ex-husband before entering into a new relationship. I wanted to welcome my future partner into a family that was loving, kind, compassionate and friendly. No hard feelings, no badmouthing, no blaming, no hate, no negativity. Just empathy and love. 

I knew that the nature of my relationship with my ex-husband would set the tone for the way our girls viewed relationships and themselves. Can you imagine how that would negatively impact their sense of self-worth, self-esteem and self-confidence if they saw and heard me speaking poorly of their dad?

And here’s the thing, in the first few months after divorce, that felt like the easy thing to do—project my own shadows and shadow aspects of myself onto him. It felt easy to notice everything he was doing “wrong”, every perceived negative trait of his personality. After all, it was a heck of a lot easier than the alternative: looking in the mirror and owning those hidden or disowned aspects of myself, ones that were being mirrored back to me by him.  

Fortunately, as I continued on my Journey of Self, I learned to embrace my triggers as teachers, and the things about him (things he did, things he said) that at one time triggered an emotional response from me, now became tools for me to learn and grow on a deeper level. That’s the thing about triggers, they point to parts of yourself that are still unhealed. If it did not exist within you, it would not trigger a response from you.

For example, if someone has all the patience in the world because they’ve never used any, and that drives you crazy, there is some aspect of yourself that also lacks patience. If, however, you are a truly patient person, other people’s impatience will not bother you. You may notice it, yes, but it won’t get under your skin. You simply observe their impatience, patiently. 

So when I began to look back at my relationship with my ex-husband (both during the marriage and since divorce), not with anger, blame, resentment, or a victim mentality, and instead, owned the energy that I brought to the relationship, approaching it with forgiveness, humility, grace, and an opportunity for profound personal growth, everything changed. Mainly, my perspective shifted. 

I realized that he was/is always doing the best he could/can with what he knew/knows, and I can also continue to do the best I can with what I know. And the more you know, the better you do. I choose to meet and accept him where and for who he is. That’s the beauty of doing the inner work. You get better. Your relationships get better. All of them. And the ones no longer meant for you will naturally vibrate out of your life. 

You learn to stop forcing, stop resisting, and simply go with the flow of your life. 

Another thing I feel was an important component to cultivating a healthy post-marriage relationship was being open and honest with him. Two years after the divorce, I decided to leave the comfort and security of the business I had built while we were married to go in a new direction. I felt called to share my story to help others. This meant being vulnerable and transparent about my life and past decisions on social media, on my blog, and on my podcast. And since I spent nearly half my life with him,15 years (we started dating when I was a teenager), that meant a pretty significant part of my old story has him in it. So I went to him first, out of respect, to let him know what my plans were. 

And naturally, when my next decision was the desire to spend a year or two on a cross country road trip with the girls, which would also include starting to home school (unschool, world school) them, I went to him again to let him know my idea and make sure we were on the same page. I’m eternally grateful that we have the kind of relationship where we can find common grounds, get along, and continue to put our daughters first.

So anytime you hear me sharing a story about him, know that I’m open and honest with him about it, and he knows I only have kind things to say. Did we learn lots of lessons? Heck yeah. But do I have any reason to throw him under the bus? Not at all.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but your life is what you make of it. Anything you can dream of is possible. If you dream of a happy, healthy marriage, it’s possible. If both of you are committed to being in a conscious relationship and willing to do the inner work as a team, there is nothing you can’t be or do or have together. And on the other hand, if you find yourself in a situation where your intuition is telling you the marriage has passed its expiration date, know that a successful divorce is possible, too.