Day 1: Shadow Work, Triggers as Teachers & Radical Self Acceptance

Because I’m in the habit of asking, “What is this teaching me?” rather than, “Why is this happening to me?”, I have spent time reflecting on some things that have been happening in my life, with the intention of learning something new. And I came to this: 

Inspired by a series of posts by a friend, I’m going to do a series myself. Because maybe you need to hear about my shadows so you can better understand your own. Maybe you have to see my darkness so you can appreciate the light. 

Our shadows are the hidden, disowned aspects of ourselves that ego fails to allow us to acknowledge. But they are still us. And when we can shine the light of our consciousness on them (own them)—bring them in, accept them, love them—the darkness dissipates. Our light shines brighter. But every time you act out of your shadow (ex: reacting to jealousy, anger, greed, fear, scarcity, lack, etc,), your shadow gets bigger because more energy is being siphoned to it. 

One way to identify shadows is through our triggers. The things that trigger an emotional response from us clearly show our wounds and shadow self. 

Rewind to me in college…wearing thong bikinis and whatever else I felt comfortable in, entering dance contests at the club in said bikinis, bringing 6” platform lace-up knee high zebra boots to vacation in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, modeling nude for photography grad students (which, as we all know, nudity and the human form have been a theme of art since the beginning of time)…all because that’s who I am, and I did what felt right to me, regardless of what others thought. 

Then fast forward a decade and becoming a business owner-wife-homeowner-mother later, I 'lost' myself somewhere along the way. The external voices became louder than my own. I began dimming my light to make others more comfortable. I began living a life that I thought would make others happy. 

It wasn’t until beginning an intentional Journey of Self, that I learned to silence the noise and go inward, listening to my own inner wisdom. It was here that I returned back to my true self and began to embrace all aspects of myself. Falling deeper in love with myself than I ever imagined possible before. 

My new yoga and meditation practices, along with my celibacy path (which came after divorce and some dating), were doing wonders; for the first time in years, I felt great in my body and trusted myself. I trusted my inner wisdom, my path, the timing and the process. I discovered the liberation that comes with doing the inner work; the freedom to embody my true essence, without fear, shame or guilt.

As I began to openly share my wellness journey online, the opinions of others were openly shared with me. 

I was told I was too much, had gone too far, was pornographic, inappropriate, sinning, a bad example for my daughters, should be ashamed of myself—and most of these were from my own family, friends. All these comments were made when I posted photos that made others feel uncomfortable. Fortunately, I was learning that other people’s opinions of me are none of my business—because they’re not about me.

I’m so glad I didn’t stop being me. I’m so glad I kept going. I’m so proud of myself for trusting my path. When one of the people in my life closest to me, whom I love unconditionally, confronted me, expressing their disapproval of my choices and making it clear that I was no longer welcome to post photos of their children on my account (alongside my photos deemed 'inappropriate'), I had a choice. 

At the very wee beginning of my journey, I could have felt insecure, attacked and withdrawn. Gotten my feelings hurt, felt offended, gotten angry. Gone back into my shell, hiding, playing small, allowing the opinions of others to influence my beliefs about myself. I could have quit participating in yoga challenges and posting yoga photos altogether.

And I considered it. I was getting so much backlash in the beginning—from every angle. Me doing me was making a lot of people around me very uncomfortable. And my inner critic and ego were not loving all the negative commentary. My default programming was to react from a place of my wounded feminine and masculine energies. As a (newly, at the time) recovering people pleaser, I began to feel the pressure to pull back. To act in a way that others approved, in turn protecting myself from the comments. So I reflected on this, a lot.

And in the silence, I had another idea. I created a separate account for my family. I love my family and didn't want to stop sharing photos of them. And yoga was everything I didn’t know I needed. I certainly wasn’t willing to give this journey up only a month or two after discovering it. And thank God I didn't! It has changed my life in a million different ways. And I know, from those who have lovingly shared this with me, that my yoga journey has inspired others/them in some way, too. It' a ripple effect. Me showing up authentically and living my truths has the power to inspire others to do the same in their life. So I'm glad I listened to the inner wisdom, even when it was different than the voices and opinions of others.

And now I have two places to share my life, instead of just one (well, actually more than that now, but at the time). I’m honoring the wishes of someone I love with all my heart, but doing so in a way that doesn’t compromise my own truths. And honestly, this works out so much better from a business standpoint simply by creating more vertical markets, a.k.a. giving me more opportunities to niche down, which makes aligning my life and business so much easier.

Remember friends, catch your emotional triggers before you act out on them. Without judgement, simply notice what they are. Once you are aware of them, shine the light of your consciousness on their shadow aspect, and make the choice to accept and love them, they begin to disappear. 🙌 They lose their control over you. You will be set free.

So how did I hear things (from people I loved) like: you’re…too much, gone too far, pornographic, inappropriate, sinning, a bad example for your daughters, should be ashamed of yourself, and keep going? Because I realized that those were their own projections and related how THEY saw the world; it was not about me. 

Because after being a secret admirer of Tammy Hembrow for a year, too afraid to even like her posts because I was afraid of what people would think of me, I understood what it was like being on the other side. 

I have always been so inspired by her as a mother, creative, entrepreneur, overall human, and I still am. But the nature of my relationship with her has shifted. 

It’s like a defining point in my life. The before and after I began publicly interacting with Tammy’s content online.

POV: I’m laughing out loud as I wrote that. 

Because it’s true!! Haha

In the beginning, which was about a year before yoga/meditation came into my life, I couldn’t stop consuming her content, but I didn’t dare engage with it. Back then, I worried a lot about what other people thought. And something about her triggered something within me. The shadow aspects of myself. The desires or parts of myself I was made to feel shameful or guilty for having. And since I wasn’t ready to own that yet, I continued to watch and admire in silence—but also be confused by the way it made me feel. Lots of mixed emotions there in the beginning. 

I consistently asked myself things like, “How does she do that (post photos in a bikini)?!”, “What do her parents think (I seriously used to ask myself that all the time! Telling, isn't it)?!”, “I wish I had the confidence to live like her, but yeah right!”, “Does she really make her passion for working out and hanging out with her kids into a lifestyle for a living?!”, “How can she be so confident in her body and her talents?” "She is doing what she loves and it shows", "She is the cutest I've ever seen (sees her pregnant working out)", "She's so happy!", "She's shining in her businesses!!", "How does she do it (sees her post a mirror selfie)?!", and the list goes on. (We'll talk about all those limiting beliefs another day! LOL)

So the same type photos that made others think of sin and shame, lit a fire inside me to move towards a lifestyle that spoke directly to my soul. It's all about perspective.

These days, not only do I like her posts, I’m in the comments, too. 🥳🙌 Because I’m grateful AF she had the confidence to show up authentically and shine the light on something that existed inside myself all along. And I love supporting her on her journey! She's a doll. 

When I began to understand my own shadows, and I made the choice to love them, they transmuted to light. I embody the divine feminine energy within myself today because I decided to believe in myself back then. Just like I'm thanking old me for the way she showed up back then, I know future me is thanking me for the way I'm showing up for myself right now.

Keep going. Keep doing you. Keep letting other people do them. Where you are is exactly where you need to be. You are not ahead, you are not behind. Trust the process, trust the timing, trust the beautiful unfolding of your life. 

Remember that your triggers are your best friends; they're your greatest teachers. Bring awareness to them. Do not judge yourself for them. Do not criticize yourself for them...that will only make them grow. Simply by noticing your triggers, they will reveal to you your shadow and shadow aspects. You are both of the light and the dark; that is your nature, yin yang. Denying your shadow aspects is denying a part of yourself. Own them. Accept them. Love them. Let them become light.