Sex, Love, XXX, Celibacy and Conscious Relationships: Day 3 in Shadows

As someone who was brought up in a home where there was no talking about sex and your body, I certainly didn’t think that one day I’d feel confident enough to talk openly about it, least bit write about it for all the world to read.

What changed? My perspective. My mindset. My values. My calling to help others.

My sense of self worth. 

The realization that I had the choice to change. My parents may not have been comfortable having those talks with me, because maybe those weren’t talks their parents felt comfortable having with them. But now, with two daughters of my own, and having walked the path I’ve walked, I realized that I desired having an open and honest relationship with my littles about anything sex and body related. And I desired having these same open and honest talks with you.

I also realized that sex is a natural part of life, and when you disown the belief that it’s shameful to speak about, you open the door to more authentic conversations.

For those of you who haven’t been following my journey, I’ll give you a quick summary:

The girls’ dad and I divorced after a 15 year relationship/marriage; we started dating when I was a teenager. Soon after (like, a few months), I wasn’t sure if I was ready to date but felt certain I was ready for sex with no strings attached. I shared that wish with a close girlfriend, who mentioned she knew someone who may be interested in that arrangement. Long story short, we made it happen. Plenty of sexting before the meetup almost had me convinced this was a great decision, especially coming out of what had been a loveless marriage for several years leading up to the divorce. 

That couldn’t have been further from the truth. It was actually the opposite. From the first moment we were in touch, I wasn’t showing my true self. My shadow self, yes, but my True Self? Definitely not. So the energy I was putting out was attracting a certain type of energy in return, which didn’t make for the experience my higher self wanted. The whole thing left me feeling pretty bad. Seemed like a great idea…turned out it wasn’t. Thought it was what I wanted…turned out it wasn’t. Felt like it would be the answer to my problems…turned out it wasn’t.

So what did I do? Take this as a sign to slow down? Nah, I tried online dating; jumped right in, 4 months post-divorce. Did I do any healing? Nope. Did I take any time to be alone? Nada. Did I experience what it was like to be single? Not at all. Instead, I made a profile. 

Sure, I met some great men, and spent the better part of a year with one of them, but these weren’t the healthy, conscious relationships I wanted deep down, and I ultimately decided that something had to change—and that something was me.

I noticed I was attracting the same times of people, having the same types of experiences, repeating the same patterns of toxic behavior, and was left feeling the same way time and time again.

I also realized the constant in all these situations was…me.

So I made a choice. Instead of looking for the right person, I was going to become the right person. I decided to embark on a celibacy journey.

Since the divorce and re-entering the dating world, I had recently began an intentional Journey of Self, really diving in to doing the inner work. I had many guides, mentors, coaches, and I was following along with the teachings of a few monks, watching YouTube videos of their talks, reading books, researching online. And I was profoundly inspired.

I saw the potential for unimaginable personal growth by embracing solitude and removing sex from one’s life to focus and devote energy elsewhere. I desired a new level of connection that I hadn’t known before.

So I made the choice. The on-again-off-again, better-part-of-a-year, fight-to-make-up, relation/situationship was not the direction for me. I wanted more. I wanted something that was simple, pure, uncomplicated and unconditional. But, as some of you may know, when there’s strong physical chemistry, it can be hard to walk away without giving in to the temptation to go back…for a night…even when you know it’s not the best way. But I was committed to my own growth. I knew I had to do this for myself.

I decided to wear a meaningful ring I had bought myself on my left ring finger as a promise ring. It represented my promise. It was my visual reminder of my commitment to myself. It was a visual reminder not to answer the texts, DMs or emails from the ex, offering sex or the idea to try again. It was a reminder not to give into the temptation. It was a visual reminder of my WHY.

It was a visual sign to anyone at the gym or grocery store that I wasn’t available. Honestly, I didn’t even want to be approached. I realized I had so much inner work to do, and I knew that in order for me to become the best version of myself, it would mean giving myself the gift of being single. No dating, no sexting, no friends with benefits. Just me doing me, for the first time ever.

Damn, this actually felt really good.

Keep in mind, the goal was never to be celibate for life. Not even close. The idea was to create space to heal, to get to know myself on the deepest level, to learn how to love myself unconditionally—something I realized I didn’t know how to do.

Because I knew that I must learn how to love and accept myself unconditionally before I could ever unconditionally love and accept another. So here I was, the first of November 2016, and for the first time in my life, I was single on purpose. 

One of the first things I did to make this celibacy journey possible was come up with a very clear visualization of what I wanted for myself in life and in a conscious, intimate relationship. The kind of connection, communication, interaction, experiences and attraction I desired. The kind of love I desired. Raise your standards and the universe will meet you there. 

I set boundaries for myself and honored them. I made the non-negotiable choice to not settle. I found power in my ability to be single and thrive. 

Keep in mind, the idea was to be single, not mingling, and abstaining from sex with a partner, but it was never to deny myself sexual pleasure. 

In the beginning, I continued to use methods that had become familiar to me since my first serious relationship—toys, XXX, artificial vibrations. And I was all for them. In fact, when I was still married, I would actively suggest all three to girlfriends of mine as ways to try to reignite their sex life. At the time, that was my level of consciousness (to encourage external conditions instead of turning the focus inwards to get to the root). 

But as I developed a daily yoga, meditation and breath work practice, and I began diving deeper and deeper into consciousness, inner work, healing, transmutation, transcendence, interconnectivity, quantum physics, the cosmos, and a million other topics that were of interest to me, something shifted. 

First, I realized that I didn’t really benefit from watching another person’s idea of how a sexual encounter may play out, nor did I need it as a means to excite me. My imagination is wild and amazing, and when it’s not being influenced by the thoughts and ideas of another, it’s free to create anything it desires. I also became aware that the scenes weren’t in alignment with who I was or what I wanted for myself. They didn’t really represent the passionate soul sex I wanted to have with a fully integrated masculine in a conscious relationship, if you know what I mean.

I immediately saw an improvement in my life once XXX was completely gone. Years later and I can honestly say I’m happier without it and don’t ever think about watching anymore. Looking back, I see how I became interested in it in the first place. As a child and teen, I was so protected from anything related to the idea of sex, that I remember how uncomfortable I would feel to be in the same room with others, especially my parents, watching TV or a movie when any kind of intimate scene came on—even a kiss. It made me feel embarrassed, shame and guilt.

So as a young adult, when I became involved with someone who openly shared with me they enjoyed XXX, and there was no judgement there from them to explore the curiosity, I did it. And it was something we did together. At the time, I was very confused about love, had little self worth, no real self care practices, not much self love, knew nothing about divine feminine and divine masculine energies or shadow work, had poor physical and mental health, and certainly didn’t realize I wasn’t in a conscious relationship, because I hadn’t yet discovered what that meant.

All that to say, no judgements if that’s your thing—been there. Life just hits different now that I’ve experienced a total paradigm shift, and these days, I know I have everything I need to enjoy a passionate, satisfied, ecstatic, euphoric and fulfilling sex life already inside me; no XXX necessary.

The artificial vibrations were the next to go. Then came the intuitive nudge to let go of artificial toys. It was like my body was telling me it deserved more. It wasn’t until I no longer used them that I began to realize they were only holding me back. They were preventing me from really tapping and tuning into my mindbody in new ways. 

Now, with all the external distractions gone (movies, vibrating things, another body; yes, these had become distractions to me at this point, distracting me from my true feelings, emotions), I was free to turn all that energy and focus inward. I began to use my breath to move chi through my body. I began to pay attention to every muscle, every move, every feeling. I discovered a connection with my Self that I hadn’t known before. One that was so loving, so kind, so intimate, so pure. So intense, so connected to the source.

I became more and more interested in how I could further increase and intensify the full body sensations associated with everything leading up to, including, and following orgasm. The beauty of being intentionally single is that you create the space for yourself to explore, experiment, discover—without judgement, shame or guilt. It’s just you getting to know you. It’s just you doing you.

This went so much deeper than the physical. This became the catalyst for growth on every level. Mental, emotional, spiritual. As I longed to discover why I made the choices I did/ had the outcomes I did when it came to relationships and love, I began to study masculine and feminine energies. I became aware of my own wounded masculine and wounded feminine. This shined a light on my patterns of promiscuity, self doubt, self blame, over-giving, over-caring, feeling worthless, boundary-less-ness, numbing out, casual sex without intimacy, and no willpower over the years. 

Remember, we all have both masculine and feminine energies within us, regardless of which gender you identify with.

I began doing the shadow work, inner work, healing and integrating. I aligned to listen to the voice of my higher self as opposed to the voice of ego, which had unknowingly led me before. Because great sex with beautiful people is great for the ego, right? But it’s a slippery slope if you’re not aware of what’s happening. 

For the first time, I began to understand that we are energetic beings and carry an energetic field, and when we engage in intimacy with another, there is an exchange of energy. We form energetic cords, that can keep us tied to their energy for days beyond the act. So the casual encounter that seems like an easy way to temporarily escape reality or numb yourself can leave you with a lingering negative energy hangover. And repeated encounters with someone who’s not an aligned match for you? Stronger, thicker cords that become even more binding. Heavier, denser, more low vibrational thoughts, feelings and emotions coursing through your Self. More forcing, less flowing. 

Something amazing happened as I continued on the celibacy path: I learned to lean in when I felt tempted to stray. To feel the itch without scratching it. To ask myself why I was considering it in the first place? I learned that being alone does not mean being lonely—and I learned how to discern the difference. I learned my value and worth. I understood the importance of solitude and discovering who you really are, what you want, what you don’t want, what your values and standards are, and what you’re willing to do to honor them.

I realized that I could embrace the feminine energy within me and channel my inner being to live a life rich in sensuality, intimacy, peace, harmony, euphoria, and love. The things I always seemed to seek outside of myself (love, validation, admiration, joy, pleasure) existed inside me all along. I found new ways to channel my energy and fill my tank: dance, poetry, art, ecstatic movement, intuitive movement, yoga, exercise, walking, running, time in nature, meditation and breath work, for example. 

About a year into my journey, I wondered if I was ready to try something new. I gave myself room to explore the notion, and I gave myself grace. And then again, about a year after that, I resisted my celibacy decision and experienced another shift in my perspective. I met new people, came in touch with old people, but ultimately, I kept coming back to the promise I made to myself. I trusted my path and my truth: that what I truly wanted exists. And sex without a soul connection and a conscious partner was no longer good enough.

So when I would meet someone who was kinda-sorta-almost-but-not-quite the one, it became easier and easier for me to discern, because I now understood how to move beyond the ego, physical attraction and sexual pull to see what it was I was truly meant to see.

Where does that leave me, nearly 5 years later? Still single and loving life. Still enjoying solitude and experiencing deep pleasure. Still believing in a conscious relationship with a fully integrated masculine, someone who has also committed to doing the inner work. Someone who has taken the time to get to know themselves on the most intimate level instead of jumping from one relationship to another, thinking the relationship would heal them, it was good enough for now, or the other person would change. 

Look, friends, I’ve been there. I’ve done the dating, breakup, date someone new, break up, date someone new, break up, go back to someone old cycle. Afraid of being alone. Afraid of what people would think. Feeling like I needed to try to “make it work” because I had already put so much into it. Feeling like my identity was wrapped up in a relationship or another person. Giving into the ego, temptations, old and outdated habits that were no longer positively serving me. 

And I’ve done something completely different, too. Having walked both paths, I can confidently say that this celibacy journey has taught me more about myself, my standards, my worth, my value, and life than any other path I’ve chosen to walk. It has opened my world to limitless possibilities. It has given me the opportunity to create an incredible bond with my littles, leading by example of what it means to embody self-confidence, self-awareness, self-worth and self-love, showing them the importance of living authentically and staying true to your higher self. 

And I haven’t given up anything. In fact, I’ve gained so much. Life is fun. It’s drama free. I live unbothered. I’m not confused with where I stand in anyone’s life. I fell in love with myself. I have a wonderful relationship with myself. My relationships with others have improved. The quality of my life has improved. I have clarity, balance, harmony and inner peace. I enjoy incredible, intimate moments with myself. I feel the energy of love and light within me. 

I’ve learned radical self acceptance. I know my worth. I know humility. I’ve seen what I’m capable of doing on my own, all the while knowing I won’t be on my own forever. I know what I want. I know what I don’t want. I set and honor boundaries now. I not only understand non-attachment, I live it. I’ve created the space for something magical to happen. And that, my loves, is truly exhilarating.